Ginger-Mango Green Tea Smoothie, from a recipe in "Steeped: Recipes Infused With Tea," by Annelies Zijderveld. (Tammy Ljungblad/Kansas City Star/TNS)
Ginger-Mango Green Tea Smoothie, from a recipe in “Steeped: Recipes Infused With Tea,” by Annelies Zijderveld. (Tammy Ljungblad/Kansas City Star/TNS)

Maybe this fusion of controversy should make headlines under the lifestyle section, because if there is one fad that has not yet done its diligence in concocting my liking, its smoothies. Just saying the word ‘smoothie’ boils my blood, coursing my entire body with an impulsive urge for anger. Unfortunately though, the point of the smoothie is not to outwardly say its name, but for human consumption.

While I am unapologetically against smoothies, I get it. I can see how one could possibly enjoy a gelatinous mess of mashed fruits and veggies cemented together in its own self-righteousness. To start, it’s an easy and convenient way to take in the essential vitamins and nutrients that are ever so important for a healthy diet. What other drink solution or meal medium is it feasible to marry together bananas, strawberries, kiwi, cucumbers, wheatgrass, soy things, apples, kale and the green mold growing in the fridge together in such a viscous convention? I cannot think of any, because maybe the point is, when eating a banana, to just eat a banana. Why complicate matters by adding other things? Too many moving parts if you ask me.

Also, at what point do we draw the line between a smoothie in the historical, traditional sense and a smoothie blinded by its own idealism? I mean when you grind up an active tray of fruit medley then congrats, you’re doing something so wrong, right? But if you were to add to it sugar, processed vanilla yogurt, orange juice (with its respective additive of glucose), can you really claim that deceitful sip as a healthy smoothie? No, you can’t, because that faux smoothie defeats the very purpose it sets out to accomplish. What a hypocrite.

Another moral qualm with the smoothie is taste. This is where the controversial caveat sets in, however an important one that shouldn’t be overlooked. People say the smoothie blends together food groups with a healthy bent in a tasty manner. “Smoothies are the only way I can get my daily dose of protein, mung beans and raised baby spinach. And to do it all at once, wow”- might be the stance most naïve millennials have of their beloved robust drink.

Call me a whistleblower for suggesting healthy foods don’t and shouldn’t, taste appetizing, because that’s not how it works. They’re supposed to taste bad but make us look good. If they were to link two independents, thereby breaking the mutually exclusive narrative, then what is the meaning of life? It’s natural for those super foods to play second fiddle to this bacon cheeseburger oozing grease, regarding taste. You can’t be able to have your figurative healthy cake and eat it too.

But perhaps the main argument I have in defaming the smoothie lies in its audacity to assume it can replace a hearty meal. As if, by some sick twisted A-HA moment, human beings decided it okay to skip a meal and succeed it with loud slurps. This is quite possibly the fault in its overachieving scheme, because in no shape or form can you half-ass something as important as meal time at the dining table. Imagine all the conversation and table-talk that is forgone when you smugly opt for a smoothie.

So I implore you, throw out that base smoothie and replace it with a hearty milkshake. At least it’s got some character.