Satire: The Light Rail that Thinks it Can

| March 21, 2017

Scenes from light rail construction August 2015. Photo by Aleena Oliveira.

A couple of weeks ago, the Niner Times reported that the light-rail connecting Uptown Charlotte to the University campus will be postponed. The opening, scheduled for August of 2017, will now be held, God willing, in March of 2018.

However, this mostly went in one ear and out the other. The overwhelming consensus of the student body was the light-rail was already postponed permanently. Or that it would go live when pigs began flying, whichever came last. Most students were surprised come to find out that the delay was an actual thing. People really thought it was over.

The company, Middle Finger Corp., contracted by the city government to construct the light-rail, seems, at least on the outside, to be in no rush.

To provide my readership cutting-edge, transparent journalism, I snuck into a Middle Finger Corp. shareholders meeting to get the scoop.

“Where is the narrative! Where is the Narrative! No, seriously, can someone please help me find the blue-print for the light-rail, it seems I’ve misplaced it,” Ben Dover, the lead architect, said at the meeting, sweating profusely. “We’re pretty sure we know the direction and endgame of the light-rail, but at the same time, we entirely have no clue where it could go. “It might end up some place, it might not, without the blue-print there is no telling,” a flustered Dover finished.

The owner, founder, Chief Executive Officer, President, and General Manager of Middle Finger Corp., Hugh Jass Moneybags, was very much indifferent to the delay. Moneybags, who made his fortunate as a shipping titan transporting livestock from farm to slaughterhouse, had this to say, “I love government contracts, because I can milk every dime from the public through incompetency and ‘red-tape’ and still make a bundle. Seriously, where else can I profit off inadequacy?”.

“I made my billions shipping livestock- beef cattle, pork, chickens and sheep- from one place to another place. I started to notice something strange- the livestock reminded me of people, especially the people. Then it hit me: I could enter the market of shipping people!” Moneybags continued. He went further on to discuss the similarities, but made a distinction that at least the livestock had the good sense not to actually pay to ride the rail, like the humans do. “You could kind of say, after I made the venture into an emerging market, that people flocked to the idea.”

I laughed.

The announcement to further delay the light-rail, running its route on North Tryon, will continue stifling businesses along the track and no doubt exacerbate traffic to worsening sorts. No place has suffered such casualties to the light-rail constructions leisurely outlook on urgency than a beloved off-campus institution: Cook-Out. The cherished fast foot joint, famous for their fast food and diet water, is not an easy convenience like it once was. No, unfortunately, late night fast food types must make a rather sobering pilgrimage if they are to consume their precious fast food. It’s always worth it, though. Totally worth it.

With an estimated year to go until completion, there’s nothing much to do but cross our fingers in a hoping attempt that we will see the light-rail bear fruit. We were going to hold our breaths, but given the duration, I don’t think that is a good idea.

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Category:Student Life

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  1. Bill .blass says:

    I love it. People….sheeps….. great stuff