Satire: New Forms of Student Identification

| March 14, 2017 | 3 Comments

University officials have decided (effective immediately) that students will be issued campus-mandated Rubik’s Cubes as a new form of student identification. This ruling, made by a group of administrators behind closed doors — the famed “UNC Charlotte Illuminati” — is in response to the mass confusion taking place campus-wide regarding the appropriate instrument for the job of student tracking. After long deliberation and much consideration, the bureaucrats charged with puppeteering our institution thought it best to change the medium for student identification… again.

Historically, the campus has employed the iconic green and flat student ID cards that the students have grown to love. Adorned with the student’s campus number and the eroded smile of each respective student’s face, these cards were a campus mainstay. They swiped with style. Then, recently and seemingly out of nowhere, the administration changed the functionality of the cards from a swiping motion to a chipping motion through the advent of a chip-reader.

Per a source, the University wanted to stray away from the action of “swiping” because they believed it posed too great a threat for the student body. The school officially condemns violence. Additionally, the school wants to shy away from another variation of the term, “stripping”, because it suggests promiscuity.

Rather, these tenured academics who have never actually held a job save for the realm of education, changed the mechanism to chipping so that anytime a student wants access to their dormitories, or to expense a meal from their dining account, they would simply insert the card into a chip-reader and wait sheepishly.

That all changed this week. And this drastic “switcheroo” is not short of controversy.

One of the school officials, Mike Hunt, who championed for the new Rubik’s Cube mode of identification, did so in order to make higher education less accessible. “I wanted a way to create a dynamic of pure intellectualism and theoretical development. Forcing students to solve a clunky, difficult puzzle just to achieve the most meaningless and simple task — like checking out a book at the library or purchasing items at the school store — will help restore the vision of educational exceptionalism”, Hunt said.

Others have been less open-minded about the new change. Lou Sassle, a security guard responsible for monitoring student security for on-campus housing, said the new change has already put a dent in the ebb and flow of traffic going in and out of the dorms. “Every time a freshman tries to get inside the dorms, the poor sucker has to solve a riddle. It used to be so easy; all they had to do was swipe. Then it was to chip. Now I let half of them in because I feel so bad. Bring back disco, man.” Sassle told the Niner Times he has even seen students go as far as furiously swipe and chip at dormant card readers in desperation to get in. In the weather months, this could get ugly.

Conspiracy theorists have surmised that this change is the result of globalist overlords. Perhaps it’s the new world order, they offered, though they don’t want to get ahead of themselves.

School-wide protests erupted in the wake of the transferal of school-sponsored identification. However, like most protests, absolutely nothing happened. Like nothing. I literally cannot stress how much of a non-factor these protests were. One sign read “I’m so pissed off I made a sign.”

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Category:Opinion, Student Life

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  1. Lou Sassle says:

    How was this published? Niner Times really struggles to find Op-Ed writers…

  2. Mike says:

    Yikes, this is cringe-worthy…

  3. Kathy says:

    This is hilarious! Thanks for putting a little laughter in my day. The only thing you left out was Big Brother, but you’re probably too young for that.

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