Satire: Ruminations on dating

Prepping for the onslaught of family conversations at Thanksgiving

| November 8, 2016
President Barack Obama pardons Abe and its alternate Honest, not shown, both 18-week old, 40-pound turkeys, as National Turkey Federation Chairman Dr. Jihad Douglas looks on during a ceremony at the White House on Wednesday, Nov. 25 2015, in Washington, D.C. (Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press/TNS)

President Barack Obama pardons Abe and its alternate Honest, not shown, both 18-week old, 40-pound turkeys, as National Turkey Federation Chairman Dr. Jihad Douglas looks on during a ceremony at the White House on Wednesday, Nov. 25 2015, in Washington, D.C. (Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press/TNS)

As Thanksgiving break approaches, there are three things I know I have to look forward to. An assortment of delicious foods, an assortment of delicious family arguments and about 85 people asking me how my dating life is going. “Are you dating anyone?” “Who’s the lucky girl?” “You know, I’ll bet you have all the girls chasing after you constantly…” Ummm, thank you – why are we having this conversation?

I’m going answer these questions in the best way I know how.

Here’s the thing – I don’t date much. Sometimes I’ll get really dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant and I’ll have a very nice conversation with the waitress. She usually convinces me to get the dessert  and I like to think it’s because she just really wants me to enjoy my meal, but then I realize that she kept pushing it because it’s her job. And then when the meal is over, I leave her a huge tip, because in my mind she’ll probably use it to eat sometime, so it’s as if I’m buying her dinner. A perfect evening I’d say.

Although this scenario may sound stupid or pathetic, it’s pretty much exactly what a date is for the guy involved. We as guys give our date a huge tip for having a conversation with us and coaxing us into buying dessert with our meal. I dare you tell me I’m wrong – search your feelings, and you know it to be true.

I don’t even understand a lot of the rules that go along with dating. Like why does the guy have to shave before a date? The girl isn’t expected to cut her nails. Sometimes girls will put plastic on their nails to lengthen them… so if she’s allowed to show up to the date with witch’s nails, I think I’m allowed to show up with a huge Santa Claus beard.

And last but not least, the big question. What are we going to do? Are we going to a movie, taking a nice walk through the park, or going with the classic ‘get dinner’ plan? Let’s be honest here, no matter what all is included on this date, we’re going to get dinner as well.

So here’s a question – where are we going to dinner? Wendy’s? Sounds good to me, probably not to her though. So a place nicer than Wendy’s… IHOP? – I don’t know. It’s always in the back of my mind that when I say “I thought we’d go to IHOP,” that her response will be “Who goes to IHOP on a date? Are we 12?”

IHOP is delicious man and if twelve-year-olds are the only ones going to IHOP on dates, then they’re the smartest people on Earth.

I also like when sometimes, since we’re in college, our first thought is – let’s just go to the dining hall together. Which may sound good, but it isn’t good. For one thing, I’m not going to enjoy that. My entire life is constructed around avoiding the dining hall at all costs. The big thing that I will never understand about dining halls is that they serve the weirdest combinations known to man and act as if it’s totally normal. When was the last time that someone went to McDonalds and said “I’ll have the Big Mac with cooked cabbage?” That guy was probably also on a date – at McDonalds.

So does that answer your question Aunt Lucy? By the way, your apple pie is excellent. I just love these family gatherings. See you at Christmas.

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Category:Opinion, Society and Identity, Student Life

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