A satirical look at the November 2016 elections
A news story several weeks back that caught my eye was one about Minnesota Democrats attempting to kick Donald Trump off the ballot. Because in a shocking turn of events, they seem to be supporting Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton. And being members of the political party that believes so strongly in giving a voice to all Americans, and giving life to all ideas, they think it best to give their citizens an extensive variety of a list of one person to vote for. Personally, I think that is a super idea. I mean, in the words of Kim Jong Un, “There was an election in my country, and I won 100% of the votes.” Now take note of that comment, as I’m sure that in the next few days, the completely unbiased ABC News will be reporting that I accused Hillary Clinton of actually being Kim Jong Un wearing a masterfully constructed mask of herself. I can’t wait for my one-on-one interview with George Stephanopoulos. I’ll be sure to wear my Dennis Rodman jersey for a great conversation piece. But now we’re getting off topic.
Everyone’s worried about political correctness, political experience, an entire barricade between two countries. But what about the fact that 9 out of every 10 restrooms in America have more bodily fluids on the floor than in the toilet? Maybe that’s why people think that we evolved from monkeys – because we’re not much cleaner than they are. And I suppose that we should be trusting Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton to fix this stuff. To be honest, I’d rather be trusting one of the floor-urinators. I can just hear it now. When Donald Trump becomes president, the first thing out of his mouth (after thanking the founding fathers along with himself), will be “Now I hate to tell you this, but the wall has in fact been downgraded to a fence. Don’t worry, we will be putting up a barrier! It just won’t be an actual wall made of brick, but rather a fence made of chain… And I think that if I play this just right, I may be able to convince Sweden to pay for it.” And if he loses, to recall one of his earlier speeches, the first thing he’ll say is “Well I lost to Hillary… Boy is this embarrassing.”
Speaking of Hillary, not to leave her out in the cold, I don’t think I can handle hearing again about what great friends she is with Barrack Obama. Perhaps it’s just me Hillary, but we’re tired of hearing about your morning walks where you frolicked through the woods with Obama. (There’s another good one for my interview with Stephanopoulos.) I also like how at the Democratic National Convention, many of the honored guests were so helpful in pointing out that “Hillary Clinton is the most qualified person ever to be the president.” I suppose I should paste her picture over the bust of Lincoln I have on my desk. Or I could just borrow one of her self-image busts she has in her house. (We know you have those Hillary, but don’t worry, I won’t judge. It’s the same as how Ted Cruz, along with every other republican in America, has a 10-foot statue of Ronald Reagan in their house.) Clinton alone, and in the rich ideals of democracy, her way or the highway… I think that’s just a sick deal, that just can’t be turned down.
But in the end, I’m not sure I believe all of this is really happening anyway. You know those commercials that say “these are real people, not actors”? That’s why I can’t watch the news – I’m convinced they’re all actors. And perhaps this election is the same. Either way, the democrats of Minnesota have a super idea in the works. A ballot consisting of Hillary Clinton alone, and in the rich ideals of democracy, her way or the highway… I think that’s just a sick deal, that just can’t be turned down.