The phenomena occurs at the convenience of Murphy’s Law, always unexpected, but mostly when the daily bustling crowds of studious students subsides and dusk caresses the campus with its gentle curtains. Teams of students, literally armed with Nerf guns and colored flags delineating loyalty, go at it like the armies of old. Hoards, clans, cults of rag-tag militia vying to vanquish their Hasbro and Co. sworn enemy.

I’ve been caught up in a hail storm of foam bullets and plastic toy blasters- territorial skirmishes – many a time, and it has got to stop. We need Nerf Gun Control, and we need it now. I cannot begin to fathom how the University has continuously turned a blind eye to the utter violence and bestiality that mars this campus with its unconditional relaying of softie projectiles.

How many people have to be bothered before the administration wakes up and realizes how harmful and destructive an artificial apparatus is? Regardless of whether or not it can be used for the defense of oneself in situations of self-preservation, or the fact that it cannot be powered or shot by its own free will but by the actions of people, these weapons are mildly dangerous, deadly (eh, sort of) and must be confiscated then banned on university property.

Because those Nerf guns are scary. They’re warlike, forged with the oversight and foresight of the destructiveness to come. I contain absolutely zero knowledge regarding these tools; only that they are scary. I cannot speak in verity of their intent and disposition. But I nonetheless feel obliged to make an opinion of the matter and see fit that I push my convictions onto others; be it damned if actually applicable or not. Even if you are a safe and responsible practitioner of Nerf guns, the void of security and comfort zone I feel should certainly allow me to dictate what’s best for you. Because those Nerf guns are scary.

I should forget thoughts that I have actually never been maimed by these Nerf guns, or any Nerf guns really. I should neglect numerous cases in which no one succumbed to an injury by their usage, or much less, became affected whatsoever by their discharge. I should also fail to place weight to the absurdity that these Nerf guns are not my interest and therefore none of my concern, but yet I am compelled enough to make it apparent of their regulated absence. It is after all for the sympathy of the ‘greater good’ I am safeguarding, minus naturally, the few who take part in this societal realm, as they do not count and whose deprivation bolsters safety.

If nothing gets done at this level of civic engagement, I have little choice but to take it to the courts and zealously sue the Hasbro Corporation for manufacturing a privatized product solely commercialized for personal use. Because those Nerf guns are scary and my deficiency of their nature, mixed with fear-mongering tendencies, warrants legal action. Some vague, faint stance of the general welfare substantiates this claim, of course.

So throw out those warnings brought to you by those tired and dated men responsible for the very system of government that has remained standing for hundreds of years, the stern message about forgoing both liberty and security when the former is infringed. Because those Nerf guns are scary. In times where I intimately feel threatened it must be okay to use security as a ploy in order to trample personal freedom, because any defense of such freedoms and rights stem from a dusty, outdated composition that is anything but in vogue and contemporary. Obsolete was totally last year; seriously ew, like gross.

And rather than become fully acquainted with the situation or look into the facts so as to make a conscious, educated decision, those Nerf guns are scary and it is the government’s duty to coddle of me.

Or is it?


Intern Cullen Walsh looks for battle with his Nerf gun at Facebook's office in Seattle, Washington. (Steve Ringman/Seattle Times/MCT)
Intern Cullen Walsh looks for battle with his Nerf gun at Facebook’s office in Seattle, Washington. (Steve Ringman/Seattle Times/MCT)