As a 16 year old girl, obsessed with boys who didn’t pay attention to her and thought no one would love her, I spent my days worrying about people who didn’t care about me. I ran after too many guys who I thought would give me the time of day, when in return sent me the other way crying. Not only did the boys not like me, but I started to not like myself for who I was. I played this part of this perfect person and truly I felt the complete opposite. Up until senior year, I felt lost and spent most of my time in my own mind, trying to decipher who I was and why I always kicked myself even further down. I stuck with low life friends who were faker than plastic and took all the crap they threw at me, making me feel worse than I already did. In that last year of high school, I realized that the problem was me all along.
It took being lost for almost 3 years for me to realize I didn’t love myself. I was trying to make myself better and striving for perfection in such a negative way for so long I thought being hard on myself was normal. I began to watch the people around me, analyzing who they are and listening to the things they said or listened to. I took it upon myself to decide what I agreed or disagreed with and how I reacted in my head. I dissected my “friends” and eventually decided I deserved better.
Eventually, things began to fall into place. I wasn’t so easily pushed over by people, I gained my voice back and grew some confidence (still working on that though). With time my voice grew stronger and I didn’t allow myself to be the butt of the joke. I thought about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go in life, and with some encouraging words I was able to push past my anxiety and become a successful writer.
The point I’m getting at is that you shouldn’t count your voice out. All the voices in your head telling you that you are worthless, shameful and stupid are now so loud that your own gets quieted in the back. You are the biggest influence in what happens in your life and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It’s okay to be selfish at times and know that your feelings and thoughts are valid. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, as long as you don’t let it change how you look at yourself. You are your own person, and there is no shame in listening to your gut feeling.
What I’m also trying to say is spend more time on yourself and your personal needs. If you are not feeling good one day, take the day off to take care of yourself. If you start to help yourself physically, your mind will feed off of the good thoughts and slowly turn around for the better.
I want to make it known it’s okay to love yourself and to be your own person. You are a one of a kind, crazy and complex human being and why be like everyone else when you are already so special? Don’t get caught up in the robotic antics of societies culture, and have your own valid thoughts for once. You were not put in a life that you could not handle, so make the most of the peaks and valleys you face.